#Dwight Was Here

Getting out and trying new things…

Christine / August 4, 2019 / no Comments

One of the things that folks do is encourage the grieving to get out, try new things. I felt so horrible those first few weeks that I thought that would pull me out of some of the pain I was in. It didn't. I flew to visit friends about a month after Dwight passed, but the trip there and back was quite painful. Late flights, cancelled flights and watching couples in all the airports put me into tears more often than not. The little frustrations of traveling were magnified and there were quite a few times that I pulled my…

Widow Life

Put one foot in front of the other…

Christine / July 30, 2019 / 2 Comments

All through childhood, I watched the slew of Christmas shows that 50 years later, still play. One of my favorites was "Santa Claus is Coming to Town". There's a song from that show that I think of quite often, "Put One Foot in Front of the Other": Put one foot in front of the otherAnd soon you'll be walking out the doorIf you want to change your directionIf your time of life is at hand Well don't be the rule, be the exceptionA good way to start is to stand For many months, this has been my way of life.…

Widow Life

I saw you today…

Christine / July 28, 2019 / 2 Comments

We had the annual family/neighborhood reunion this weekend. It was different, walking in without holding your hand or carrying the loaf of bread that was always your contribution to the food table. You weren't there to talk down the IPA in the cooler or talk up the carrot cake. There were no calls of "Hey dad!", "It's grandpa!" or "Hi Dwight!" Every once in awhile I'd look around to spot you so I could tell you something funny that just happened. For a second, here and there, I forget that you're not with us, any more; it makes my heart…

Widow Life

But, we had plans…

Christine / July 24, 2019 / one Comments

One of the main thoughts that kept repeating over and over in my head was "But, we had plans!" Up until now, whenever someone I was talking to would mention a plan that didn't work out, I had a standard answer: "Do you know what happens when you make plans?""God laughs." Of course, I don't say that anymore. And I'm sure God didn't laugh. I don't know why I was so surprised. I am a maker of many plans and not a huge percentage of them ever work out the way I want. Sometimes things are a little different, sometimes…

Widow Life

#DwightWasHere

Christine / July 22, 2019 / 5 Comments

If you'd have asked me who I was prior to 2019, I'd have recited a whole list to you; mother, daughter, wife, photographer, author, auditor, non-cook, organizer of chaos, and whatever other silly title I could conjure up quickly. On January 14, 2019 that all came to a screeching halt. At 1:45 am I called 911 and then spent the next nine minutes being coached through CPR by the operator, trying to save my husband until the squad arrived and took over. The memory of these minutes comes from above, as if I was outside my body, watching the events…

posts from Facebook

07/14/19: Six Months…

Christine / July 14, 2019 / no Comments

I’ve heard that the six month mark is where things start to get easier. Maybe because by this point a lot of tasks have been completed... those tasks that only land on a to-do list because your loved one has passed... legal & financial paperwork, transferring cars, accounts, titles/deeds over.... that part has slowed down and is mostly wrapped up. I’ve just started the task of going through his things & passing them on to who I think would be the best recipient. This is tough. This is a big step. I’m facing up to the fact that this is…

posts from Facebook

6/28/19

Christine / June 28, 2019 / no Comments

The hours turn into days. The days turn into weeks. The weeks turn into months... I *know* he’s gone, yet I still wait for his return; the sound of his truck in the driveway, his keys rattling in the door, his voice calling out “Lucy! I’m home!” in a Ricky Ricardo voice, his footsteps in the hall... I know in my head that none of those will ever happen, again, but my heart keeps hanging in there that this is some elaborate hoax...

posts from Facebook

06/14/2019: Five Months

Christine / June 14, 2019 / no Comments

5 months 💔 This time, I’m not in tears as I type this. I’m still grieving, but not from the deep, black hole I’ve been in. Things are not “better”, although I’ll say they’re “less terrible”. I’ve begun to dream, again, just small, vague dreams, but my fear of sleeping has lessened as the dreams have not been bad as I feared they would be. I’m still sleeping with a night light (disguised as a diffuser), so there’s that. I’ve been “hermiting”... finding it hard to be in crowds, out in public, around people, etc, but that’s getting better. I’ve…

posts from Facebook

05/17/2019: Our 22nd Anniversary

Christine / May 17, 2019 / no Comments

Today would have been our 22nd Anniversary. We were supposed to be waking up in a cozy room at a B&B, somewhere on the west coast of Ireland, most likely in Doolin, County Clare. It was our most favorite place in the entire world, aside from home. We would have spent the day smelling the peat fires while driving the back roads in a ridiculously small rental car, visiting tiny little towns on nobody’s tourist map. Dwight would have made his standard “do the potatoes come with potatoes ?” joke with the waiter at at least 2 of the 3…

posts from Facebook

05/14/2019: Four Months

Christine / May 14, 2019 / no Comments

4 months. 💔 I used to have a list of defining moments in my life, days and dates of positive changes; graduations, wedding, new jobs, achievements...that’s all been changed...January 14, 2019 is the only date that’s significant, now, and I imagine it will be that way for a long while...