January 2020 – One year 💔
I couldn’t do a 1 year update last month.
I mentioned the last day he lived, and a few details from the funeral & day he was buried, but I couldn’t bring myself to focus on the day he died.
I didn’t anticipate that every single day of that week would be an anniversary of the days surrounding his death; the day I planned his funeral and picked out his casket, the day we buried him, the day after we buried him was the first night I spent alone, 2 days afterward I had his chickens & coop taken care of by someone new, who eventually took it all away. The day of, the sheriff’s dept being there for three hours, and all the phone calls I made, telling the news over and over…each time having to hear deep anguish on the other end.
Even individual moments within the days…The moment I picked out his casket & the true-ness of his death hit me. The moment I decided on the plot near the road so I could see where he was as I drove by. The moment I pulled his suit out of the closet, got mad, put it back, and pulled out a favorite casual outfit, instead. The moment they handed me his ring. And flag.
It was a big collection of 1st anniversaries.
He died on the first day of a week-long certification audit where I work. I’m the head audit person, so I’m heavily involved in these. This year, the audit was scheduled for the exact same week as last year, so the 1st anniversary of Dwight’s death was also the 2nd day of this year’s audit.
It was a rough week. I did a fairly good job of staying distracted during the days, but the evenings were pretty bad… what evenings there were…I worked over 60 hours that week, annual audits = long days.
So…how are things at the 1 year mark?
Just around the time I started to think I was doing better, I had a huge crash & burn. Overall, I was doing better, and the crash/burn episode indicated there was a lower place, so I think that was evidence that there was a degree of improvement.
I’m still wearing my wedding band and am thankful no one has shown interest.
I’m still sleeping with lights on, although I have turned them off three times in the last month, so that looks to be improving.
I’m still seeing a grief counselor. It was every two weeks for awhile, then monthly for a long time, but I’m back to every two weeks because of the crash/burn.
I still haven’t used the stove.
Sleeping and eating quality levels need more improvement.
The hermit thing has recently faded out. I was in social situations 4 evenings this past week (Dwight’s birthday required an evening of occupation) AND I did my own grocery shopping (ALDI delivery has been an enabler).
I don’t cry every day anymore, but there will be times, out of the blue, when an ache hits me something fierce. The other night someone was playing guitar, “Danny Boy”, and said it reminded them of D. Me, too. And for a moment I had to struggle to maintain composure.
Overall I’ve found a degree of peace and have started to take interest in other things, again. I’ve found a new sense of motivation at work and am proud of some intense projects I’ve done.
I’ve photographed one outdoor session and one studio session. The studio session confirmed I hadn’t lost my skill set, but it didn’t pull me back in.
The short term memory loss was a horrible problem until a few months ago. It’s gotten a lot better, but every once in awhile it’s an issue. I don’t remember a lot from this past year. Shock & stress really does a number on your memory bank.
There are still bad moments, bad days, even. But they don’t always cut me at the knees, anymore.
So yeah, things are getting better.
Love to everyone who read this far and has read & commented each time. It’s always so comforting to know you’re thought of during a time of feeling alone. So many of you held my hand while I stumbled through this past year. Thank you. ❤️