I had an appointment today with my grief counselor. It’s the first session where I didn’t cry. Progress.

8 months 💔I had an appointment with my grief/trauma counselor the other day. I’m having difficulties. I’m grieving deeply, and in seclusion, which isn’t healthy. She said Dwight wouldn’t want this for me. That made an impact. I immediately choked up. She’s right. He wouldn’t. He hurt to see me hurt and there were times he cried with me. If he could see me now, his heart would break. He only wanted me to be happy. I’m going to try and work on that.

Seven months. 💔 I feel like things might be turning a bit of a corner. I’m not quite finding joy in life, but there’s a little less angst in my heart. I’m still sleeping and eating erratically and doing that hermit thing, but I’m sure that will change with time. For the last few weeks, things have been exceptionally hard. A very dear friend of ours is moving out of state very soon, so that has been weighing heavily on my heart. He’s been like family to Dwight and I for almost 30 years, so this will be yet another…

I’ve heard that the six month mark is where things start to get easier. Maybe because by this point a lot of tasks have been completed... those tasks that only land on a to-do list because your loved one has passed... legal & financial paperwork, transferring cars, accounts, titles/deeds over.... that part has slowed down and is mostly wrapped up. I’ve just started the task of going through his things & passing them on to who I think would be the best recipient. This is tough. This is a big step. I’m facing up to the fact that this is…

The hours turn into days. The days turn into weeks. The weeks turn into months... I *know* he’s gone, yet I still wait for his return; the sound of his truck in the driveway, his keys rattling in the door, his voice calling out “Lucy! I’m home!” in a Ricky Ricardo voice, his footsteps in the hall... I know in my head that none of those will ever happen, again, but my heart keeps hanging in there that this is some elaborate hoax...

5 months 💔 This time, I’m not in tears as I type this. I’m still grieving, but not from the deep, black hole I’ve been in. Things are not “better”, although I’ll say they’re “less terrible”. I’ve begun to dream, again, just small, vague dreams, but my fear of sleeping has lessened as the dreams have not been bad as I feared they would be. I’m still sleeping with a night light (disguised as a diffuser), so there’s that. I’ve been “hermiting”... finding it hard to be in crowds, out in public, around people, etc, but that’s getting better. I’ve…

Today would have been our 22nd Anniversary. We were supposed to be waking up in a cozy room at a B&B, somewhere on the west coast of Ireland, most likely in Doolin, County Clare. It was our most favorite place in the entire world, aside from home. We would have spent the day smelling the peat fires while driving the back roads in a ridiculously small rental car, visiting tiny little towns on nobody’s tourist map. Dwight would have made his standard “do the potatoes come with potatoes ?” joke with the waiter at at least 2 of the 3…

4 months. 💔 I used to have a list of defining moments in my life, days and dates of positive changes; graduations, wedding, new jobs, achievements...that’s all been changed...January 14, 2019 is the only date that’s significant, now, and I imagine it will be that way for a long while...

Three months. Feels like yesterday, feels like forever. 💔

Every year, just about the time when I couldn’t stand another day of winter, he’d appear with a small stem or two of snowdrops. “Look,” he’d say, “it’s the first flower of spring, summer is on its way.” He’d done this every year I’d known him and when we moved to this house 15 years ago, he transplanted a patch of them from our old house. I hated winter and any sign of spring was encouraging. I remembered this annual tradition earlier today, and was instantly sorrowful, certain I’d missed the bloom time. Generally there’s still snow on the ground…