May 1 was a pretty rough day for me. My birthday had been the day before, and while I didn’t do much in the way of celebrating, I was happy that it was the last day of Ohio’s “Stay-at-Home” order.
Unfortunately, the order was extended for another 30 days. At that point, my Facebook feed became full of public backlash and outcry. Again. This was kind of the last straw for me. After months of watching friends argue back and forth and close friendships being damaged because I was following the Ohio restrictions, this just shot an arrow into my heart.
I posted a heartfelt “please let’s all just get along” message. For the most part it was well received, but not totally. Rude comments, insults and ridicule were lobbed at me and it was more than I could bear. It was a perfect example of kicking someone while they’re down.
I decided that social media wasn’t the place for me during this time and I deactivated my account so I could take some time to re-group.
It’s been a healthy break. So healthy, that I think making the break permanent is a good idea. For me.
I’ve been on FB since 2009, I think. It’s been a large source of communication for my photography business, speaking gigs, gallery shows, podcasts, judging gigs, etc. My FB memories are constantly filled with previous posts about print competition and all things PPA and PPO.
I don’t know who that person was. I don’t feel any connection, whatsoever and barely remember most of it. It is a very strange feeling to look back on all of that and find it meaningless, given the huge meaning it had back then.
My studio is filled with Dwight’s possessions that need sorted and distributed. There’s no room to use it for its intended purpose, but I’ve not had that need. I’ve picked up the camera three times since Dwight passed. I’ve done one studio session. It’s been 17 months, it doesn’t look like photography is going to be any kind of focus in my life, anymore.
Social media just isn’t serving a purpose for me, anymore and has proven to be damaging to my emotional and mental health. Although it looks as if I’m doing ok on the outside – inside I still need a lot of work. I’m attending grief and trauma counseling regularly and frequently, and trying to adapt to living without Dwight. I’m not sure I’ll ever be “normal” and I’m certainly never going to be the person I was before.
Since Dwight died, I’ve been trying to adapt, but I’ve been holding on to my “old life” and trying to get things back to where they used to be. That’s just not possible. I can’t say that any new door has opened, but I can say that I’m finally closing that chapter and am cautiously moving forward. I guess I’m finally acknowledging my “new normal”. I have no idea what it will hold, I have no expectations. I’m sure I will continue to grieve for the rest of my life, but it won’t be the center of my life or define who I am, any more.
I guess this is a long-winded way of saying “goodbye” to my social media connections. I’m still on Messenger and have the same phone# and email address, so I’m not going completely underground. I’m just changing the quality of the communication I have and paring it down to that which is meaningful and supportive as I journey on.
Peace, love and kittens,
C
Love you and hope you’re able to find some peace, joy, and meaning in your life. People grieve differently and it takes as long as it takes. Keep trying new things and being engaged with those around you (from a safe distance, currently!). Who knows, you may find the next great activity that feeds your passions. You just have to try to be open to it.
Just know that your friends and satellite acquaintances, though we may not get to see you on social media, still care and want you to be happy again. <3
Hugs and prayers Chris! I wish you peace and love, you deserve the best!
Susan
Big hugs to you Christine; I’ve missed seeing you, in person at Imaging and online. I wish you peace.
I think of you often. Take care of yourself in this journey of loss and grief. I know so much of it too well. Hugs
Christine,
While I only know of you thru the Photography world, I’ve read a lot of your posts. Have admired both your work as well the beautiful pictures of you and Dwight.
You write so beautifully. We all are going to experience grief at some point. I hope if my husband should go before me you will have written a book or published all of your posts of you ups and downs on this journey. I think someone going thru it would find so much comfort from your words.
(Hugs) from Kansas
~Pamela
Love you, my friend ☮️💜