I don’t really know what to post anymore. I have no witty memes, pictures to share or announcements that need made.
My latest achievement was that I slept without a light on for the first time last night. On the flip side, my short term memory is like a sieve, sometimes I have a hard time finishing a complete sentence because I don’t remember what I was saying.
I’ve been to the grocery store twice and cried both times. I kept automatically throwing things in the cart that he usually cooked, only to have to return it to the shelf, because it was no longer a need.
I go to work each morning, hoping for a few hours I’ll be able to bury myself in paperwork and forget the pain for a bit. Sometimes it works, usually it doesn’t.
I’m still talking in present tense out of habit, changing to past tense is difficult and sad. I catch myself constantly and sometimes it stops me in my tracks.
Eating and sleeping are still a challenge and the silence in the house is deafening. I try to make myself eat, I’ve lost all the extra weight I’d gained recently, and for the first time, getting to goal weight is a hollow win. I’m trying to slow the weight loss down, but it’s hard.
Sleep is a joke. I alternate nights of staying up with nights of passing out from pure exhaustion. I’m afraid of dreaming.
I sit down to write thank you cards, but can’t get even get through the first one.
I went to the cemetery and stood at his grave. There was an emptiness I didn’t expect. The grass was sliced away and then replaced so precisely that it’s hard to tell the earth had ever been disturbed. Oddly enough, this makes me mad. I want to see the earth ripped open and clods of dirt strewn about. It doesn’t seem right to have this nice neat little plot all squared away while my heart and life have a gaping hole dug out of the middle.
I had him buried in the cemetery down the road. If you stand at his grave and look to the east, you can see our house. I thought it would help to have him close. It doesn’t. Not right now, anyway.
I know I’m not the first to go through this, but it feels like it to me.