Put one foot in front of the other…

All through childhood, I watched the slew of Christmas shows that 50 years later, still play. One of my favorites was “Santa Claus is Coming to Town”. There’s a song from that show that I think of quite often, “Put One Foot in Front of the Other”:

Put one foot in front of the other
And soon you’ll be walking out the door
If you want to change your direction
If your time of life is at hand
Well don’t be the rule, be the exception
A good way to start is to stand

For many months, this has been my way of life. One minute at a time, one hour at a time, one day at a time.

One step at a time.

The beginning of this journey was pure chaos; I was so overwhelmed. Every single thing in my life was affected and there were many issues to handle and decisions to make. I was completely stressed out.

I received some good advice:

Just do the next thing.

It’s been helpful to not think too far ahead. Like the song says, I’m changing my direction; not because I wanted to, but because I had to. The future is completely empty and open and I’m just winging it as it comes.

After 6 months, I’m still only doing what is required. I’m paying the bills, putting gas in the car, and going to work. Sometimes I go grocery shopping, but the recent discovery of a grocery store that delivers has eliminated that activity. (Aldi’s – use the Instacart app).

Every once in awhile I will think about doing something extra, but more often than not, I bail at the last minute. Folks have been understanding and extend invitations with the gift of “it’s OK if you don’t feel like coming.” Generally, I will arrive late and leave early, if I go at all. There’s only a certain amount of “people-ing” I can handle and I’m so thankful that those around me understand.

Before I got to this leveling of the chaos, I was trying to do everything. Right away, folks encouraged me to get out and try something new and different. I tried, I really did. Maybe that was just something that people say automatically; I’ve probably said it before, too.

Note to all: it’s not always good advice.

For me, it was a big fail. I tried too much, too soon. I tried to go back to normal life and activity levels WAY before I was ready, which just added to my stress. I don’t know what I was thinking. I had no one to guide me and was trying to adapt to this widow-thing without a manual. My life turned even more chaotic.

Finally, I realized that I didn’t have to be a tough chick. There was no way I was going to be able to suck all this up or put on the big girl panties and no one expected me to.

I stopped what I was doing and did an about-face back into seclusion.

For now, I have no life. It’s OK, obviously I am not ready for more life. I work (where I fake it, mightily) and sleep; that’s about all I can handle. There are some days that I can’t even swing a phone conversation. I’m usually OK until someone asks me how I’m doing, which immediately moves me to tears.

If I can get past the tears, I say “I’m just taking it one step at a time.“