5 months 💔
This time, I’m not in tears as I type this. I’m still grieving, but not from the deep, black hole I’ve been in.
Things are not “better”, although I’ll say they’re “less terrible”.
I’ve begun to dream, again, just small, vague dreams, but my fear of sleeping has lessened as the dreams have not been bad as I feared they would be. I’m still sleeping with a night light (disguised as a diffuser), so there’s that.
I’ve been “hermiting”… finding it hard to be in crowds, out in public, around people, etc, but that’s getting better. I’ve been forcing myself to go out once a week and do two activities. This week, I went to our granddaughter’s softball game and then a restaurant, although I do spend the entire time looking at my phone to squelch the awkwardness of eating alone.
I have a full-time job, have been there over a year, although I’ve not said much about it. It’s pretty much the only thing that’s gotten me out of the house. I felt very un-focused for a long time, but recently that’s gotten a lot better. I’m fortunate that I like my job very much. It’s been instrumental in keeping me busy and not mired in all the feels, all the time.
Photography… crashed and burned. I’d already stopped photographing temporarily because of the broken ankle I sustained two weeks before Dwight passed… but it was pretty far down on the list after that. It took until last week for me to pick up a camera again. I’ve got a session next week & I’m looking forward to it, so I’m thankful that the passion didn’t die; it just went on vacation awhile. I did quit every photography activity I was involved with, which I needed to do, and I’m uncertain how much, if any, I will return to. We shall see…
I’m still eating like a picky 12 year old, both in quantity and quality, but I’m eating.
I went to my DR and had a full physical. I’ve still got a few tests to do, but everything looks good so far.
I’m gradually figuring out how to take care of myself. By myself. Think about that, all you people with significant others…I never realized how much I relied on having a partner. He was my automatic back-up plan. He was there to fuss over me if I felt unwell or give me a ride if the car broke down. It’s all me, now, so there’ve been a LOT of adjustments…I’ve had to ditch my car, it was so unreliable… and go with something practical with a good warranty so that I don’t break down in the middle of nowhere on a regular basis anymore. Bonus: I’m digging being a Jeep girl 😉.
So… I’m here and I’m okay. I still miss him terribly, but it’s not knocking me to my knees like it was before. Okay, maybe sometimes, but not all.the.time.
Peace.